private emails of the loveless crew
by CheyWolfe
Summary: Have you ever wondered what the emails of the Loveless crew are like? Simply written because there aren't nearly enough humor Loveless fics out there. I checked the rules and this story doesn't break any rules. Rated for language.
1. Chapter 1

1 Dear Ritsuka-

**I like you~!**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Are you high?

-Ritsuka

**Dear Ritsuka,**

**Why do you ask that~?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Seriously, are you high or something?

-Ritsuka

Natsou and Yoji,

Why is Soubi being so weird?

-Ritsuka

**Dear Ritsuka,**

**Don't ask what you don't want to know~**

**-Soubi**

Ritsuka,

When is he not?

~N and Y

Natsou and Yoji,

Good question.

-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

It must be because of something perverted. Probably because of you

~N and Y

Dear Ritsuka, Why won't you answer me? -Soubi Natsou and Yoji,

Never say that again!  
-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

Well it's true

-N and Y

Natsou and Yoji,

Shut the hell up! That's not funny!

-Ritsuka

**Dear Ritsuka,**

**Are you there? Your status message says you're still online.**

**-Soubi**

Ritsuka,

You're so mean to us! Almost as mean as Soubi!

-N and Y

Soubi,

Make your evil roommates shut up and go away!

-Ritsuka

**Dear Ritsuka,**

**They aren't my roommates.**

**What are they doing to you?**

**-Soubi**

Natsou and Yoji,

You guys are the mean, perverted ones!  
-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

Really? We'd like to show you just how perverted we can be~ XXX

-N and Y

Soubi,

What are they then?  
-Ritsuka

Natsou and Yoji,

That's sexual harassment!

-Ritsuka

**Dear Ritsuka,**

**They simply live with me without paying rent.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

That's a roommate!

Tell them to stop it!

-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

Please Ritsuka? XXX

Besides you can't do anything to make up stop.

-N and Y

**Dear Ritsuka,**

**What are they doing to you?**

**-Soubi**

Natsou and Yoji,

I'll just tell Soubi

-Ritsuka

Soubi,

I'm pretty sure it can be called sexual harassment!

-Ritsuka

**Dear Ritsuka,**

**I'm going to kill them both!**

**-Soubi**

Ritsuka,

No! No, please don't he'll kill us in our sleep if you do!

-N and Y

**Natsou and Yoji,**

**I'm giving you both five seconds to get out before I catch up to you.**

**-Soubi**

**Kio,**

**Can I borrow your car?**

**-Soubi**

Natsou and Yoji,

Already done. Sorry. I'd run if I were you.

-Ritsuka

_Soubi,_

_Go ahead._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Sorry if there's blood on the tires when you get it back.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Wait! What the hell are you planning to do?!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Take care of a little problem I've had for a while now. Bye.**

**-Soubi**

**Ritsuka,**

**I'll be back soon.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Go easy on them.

Or don't.

-Ritsuka

* * *

I was bored last night and wrote four chapters of this. There's just not enough Loveless humor fics out there. Please R&R

-Wolfie

oh and by the way this does not violate any guidelines.

Fics like this usually violate these two rules if they are reported: 'Any form of interactive entry: choose your adventure, second person/you based, Q&As, and etc.' and 'Chat/script format and keyboard dialogue based entries.'

This story does not break those two rules. It's not interactive and it follows a storyline (even if it's not a serious storyline). It is also not written in a chat/script format if it were it would be something like this.

Ritsuka: text inserted here

instead of the way I wrote it. My way is more of a letter format than anything. I did not include any chat talk, either.

So don't report me

because this story is totally legal.


	2. Chapter 2: RitsuSensei, take one!

**2**

Soubi-kun,

Will you talk to me, Soubi-kun?

-Ritsu

**This is a computer-generated message from Soubi:**

**Go to hell.**

Soubi-kun,

I take that as a no?

-Ritsu

**This is a computer-generated message from Soubi:**

**Go to hell.**

Soubi-kun,

I can't believe that you would go as far as to program a message to me.

-Ritsu

**This is a computer-generated message from Soubi:**

**Go to hell.**

Soubi-kun,

My, have you forgotten where you came from?

-Ritsu

**This is a computer-generated message from Soubi:**

**Go to hell.**

Soubi-kun,

I know you can't hate me _that_ much.

-Ritsu

**This is a computer-generated message from Soubi:**

**Go to hell.**

Soubi-kun,

Did Seven help you with that or something?

I'll have to talk to her about that.

-Ritsu

**This is a computer-generated message from Soubi:**

**Go to hell.**

Soubi-kun,

Do you remember that day as well as I do?

You were so cute when you were tweleve.

Even cuter without your ears.

-Ritsu

**Go to hell. Right now.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi-kun,

I got you to talk to me!

I knew you couldn't stay away from me.

We could do it again sometime.

It'll be just like when you were younger.

-Ritsu

**Dear district attorney,**

**How do I file for a restraining order with **

**online sexual harassment as probable cause?**

**Please contact me ASAP,**

Agatsuma Soubi

Soubi-kun,

I'm ready anytime you are.

-Ritsu

**This is a computer-generated message from Soubi:**

**Go to hell.**

Soubi-kun,

That again?!

-Ritsu

Soubi-kun,

I know you're reading these messages.

-Ritsu

Soubi-kun,

Or getting them at least.

-Ritsu

Soubi-kun,

Come on, don't ignore me like this.

-Ritsu

Soubi-kun,

I bet you have that same look on your face that you used to.

-Ritsu

Soubi-kun,

You're still just so cute.

-Ritsu

Soubi-kun,

I wish you still went to the academy.

That way we could still have our private sessions.

-Ritsu

Soubi-kun,

You want to know what I'm doing as I tell you about this?

-Ritsu

Could you just go away?

**-Soubi**

Soubi-kun,

No.

-Ritsu

**I'm getting a restraining order against you.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi-kun,

You have forgotten where you came from.

You're going to regret it if you do.

-Ritsu

**Never speak to me again.**

**-Soubi**

* * *

Happy Saturday, everyone!

I can't walk!

I love to write this and if u guys like my stories go check out my other stories!


	3. Chapter 3: RitsuSensei, Take Two!

**3**

Soubi,

Why did Ritsu-sensei just write me an email with your name

in the subject line and a document in the attachments?

-Ritsuka

Soubi,

That document was too explicit even for us.

Please convince Ritsu to never send us something like that again.

-N and Y

_Sou-chan,_

_Who's Ritsu?_

_And did he write that document in the attachments?_

_I didn't think you were into that kind of stuff…_

_-Kio_

Soubi,

I'm gonna kill you.

I swear to god.

-Nagisa

Soubi,

Nagisa is going about to go on an inevitable killing spree.

Please stop her.

-Seven

**Ritsu-**

**What have you done?!**

**-Soubi**

Ritsuka! Whatever you do, DO NOT open that attachment!

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Why?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

It's for your own good! Don't read it! I'll come over and delete it ASAP.

**-Soubi**

Ritsu-

**Reply to me asshole!**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Nagisa is seriously going to kill you.

And probably Ritsu too.

Although I can understand that part but why kill you?

-Seven

Nagisa-

**I swear I did not write that.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

What's so bad about it? Does it have a virus or something?

-Ritsuka

Ritsu-

**What the fuck are you trying to do?!**

**You send an explicit document to everyone but me **

**And it's about me?!  
-Soubi**

Soubi,

Sure you didn't.

I'll wager you helped him with it.

And I'll bet my life that it's a true story,

-Nagisa

Soubi-kun,

I just sent it to you to.

It seems I had forgotten to e-mail it to you.

-Ritsu

Ritsu-

**My god you sent THAT to three twelve year-olds?!**

**-Soubi**

**Ritsuka,**

**It's from someone who is obsessed with me.**

**-Soubi**

**Ritsu-**

**Stop stalking me.**

**-Soubi**

**Ritsu-**

**Why the hell are you writing about me in the first place?!**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

It can't be that bad.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Oh trust me**

**It is.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Help me.

-Seven

**Seven,**

**I'm dealing with every Ritsu sent that to.**

**Nagisa is high on my list.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Could you at least tell me what it was about it since you wouldn't while you were deleting it?

If you don't I'll just ask Natsou and Yoji.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Repulsive things you don't want to and shouldn't know about.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi! He sent another one!

This one's even worse than the last!

-N and Y

**Natsou and Yoji,**

**Could you NOT read that stuff?**

**I don't need you two looking at me weirdly every time I walk into the room.**

**-Soubi**

**Natsou and Yoji,**

**And don't tell Ritsuka.**

**-Soubi**

_Sou-chan,_

_Just who __**IS**__ this guy?_

_I REALLY didn't think you were into that kind of thing._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**He's my stalker.**

**-Soubi**

_Sou-chan,_

_How does he know so much about you?_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**We had what he would call a 'history'.**

**Just block him or something.**

**-Soubi**

**Nagisa,**

**Before you even say anything; shoot Ritsu, not me.**

_**-**_**Soubi**

**Dear high-class state attorney,**

**I need a restraining order.**

**NOW.**

**Contact me as soon as you read this,**

**Agatsuma Soubi**

Soubi,

Oh my god!

Ritsu's in the hospital!

Somebody jumped him when he went out into the schoolyard last night!

-Seven

**Seven,**

**I know.**

**Who do you think did it?**

**-Soubi.**

* * *

I like doing evil things :)

Ritsu was writing a sexual document in one of the drama CDs.

That's what gave me the idea.

Go read my other stories if u like me!

'Cuz I really love u guys :3

I feel oddly happy,

~Wolfie


	4. Chapter 4: School

**4**

**Ritsuka,**

**What are you doing tonight?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

I can't go out tonight.

Where are you e-mailing from? I thought your classes didn't let out for another half hour.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Why not?**

**School. Speaking of which why aren't you at your school today?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

I told Yuiko to tell Sensei that I'm sick.

How are you emailing from your school?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Okay.**

**Now tell me why you really stayed home.**

**I 'borrowed' Kio's laptop for a while.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

I got attacked last night.

Borrowed or 'borrowed'?

And who told you I wasn't in today?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Attacked by what? That could be anything from a flock of crows to a gangbanger.**

'**Borrowed' and Yuiko called me and told me.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

You know what by.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**I wish you'd let me do something.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

What's up with the sudden seriousness?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Are you okay? Where did she hurt you?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

I'm fine. She just knocked me out last night and I didn't wake up until after school started today.

Don't worry about me as much.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**I'm taking you out tonight whether you like it or not.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

I can fight back, you know.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Sorry, Ritsuka, but I can pick you up without doing much.**

**Force against me is basically useless.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Why do you always have to be right?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Don't pout, although you are very cute when you do.**

**I'll come by after my classes are out.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Give me my laptop back!!_

_Stop emailing your underage boyfriend in school!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**No.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_What will you do if someone finds out?_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**About what?**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_You know damn well what about._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**No, I'm afraid that I do not.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_You idiot._

_You could go to jail for what you're doing._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**What am I doing?**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Don't play dumb!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Technically, it's not illegal if I don't do anything sexual.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_How do I know you're not?_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Where are you emailing from if I have your laptop?**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Answer the question, dammit!_

_The school lab._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**No.**

**Now get back here before someone notices you're missing.**

**-Soubi**


	5. Chapter 5: Ritsuka is so innocent

Ritsuka,

We know your secret~

-N and Y

Natsou and Yoji,

My secret?

-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

We know that you're in the closet.

-N and Y

Natsou and Yoji,

I'm what?

-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

Don't you know what in the closet means?

-N and Y

Natsou and Yoji,

No.

Should I ask Soubi?

-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

Do you know what 69 means~?

XXX

-N and Y

Soubi,

What does 69 mean?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Who told you that?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

…Some kids… at school

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**It was Natsou and Yoji, wasn't it?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Please tell me before you kill them.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Do you really want to know?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Yes! Then you can go hurt them!

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**I'll tell you, but for future reference I'm sorry that I did… **

**-Soubi**

Natsou and Yoji,

OH MY GOD!!

You perverts!!

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**You know, you **_**were**_** the one to beg me to tell you.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

I know.

I'm not pissed at you; I'm pissed at _them_.

Please go kill them for me.

-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

Did you look it up?

-N and Y

Natsou and Yoji,

No. Soubi told me.

You two are _so _dead.

-Ritsuka

* * *

Sorry about the short chapter. Next one will be lots longer!

Review!

~wolfie


	6. Chapter 6: the missadventures of Kio

_Ritsuka,_

_I'm conducting some research for a paper I have to do. Would you mind answering a couple questions about your relationship with Soubi?_

_-Kio_

Kio,

You're really not fooling anyone, Kio.

-Ritsuka

**Kio,**

**He's not an idiot. He knows you're an art student.**

**-Soubi**

_Ritsuka,_

_Fooling anyone? What do you mean?_

_-Kio_

Kio,

You know what I mean.

-Ritsuka

_Soubi,_

_How does he know that?_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**He's really not as stupid as you think.**

**-Soubi**

_Ritsuka,_

_Jeez, you're just like Soubi._

_-Kio_

Kio,

His personality is rubbing off on me.

-Ritsuka

_Soubi,_

_I never said he was stupid._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Like hell you didn't.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_You're an ass, you know that?_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**So I've been told.**

**-Soubi**

_Ritsuka,_

_That's scary._

_-Kio_

Kio,

How'd you get this email address anyways?

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_Uh…a friend_

_-Kio_

Kio,

You snooped around in Soubi's stuff, didn't you?

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_Please don't tell him._

_-Kio_

Kio,

He already knows.

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_You __**told**__ him?!_

_-Kio_

Kio,

No.

He was with me when I got your email.

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_Oh shit._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Stop going through my stuff.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Stop stealing my stuff._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**No.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Ha! You admitted it!_

_-Kio_

Kio,

Oh shit is right.

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_You really shouldn't cuss._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**I did no such thing.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Did too!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Stop having a hissy fit. **

**-Soubi**

Kio,

Why the hell do you care what I do in the first place?!

-Ritsuka

_Soubi,_

_I am not having a hissy fit!_

_You're a jerk!!_

_-Kio_

_Ritsuka,_

_I'm only looking out for your well-being._

_-Kio_

Kio,

Well-being?!

I barely even know you!

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_You shouldn't be dating someone eight years older than you, either!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Stop acting like a three year-old**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_STOP INSULTING ME!_

_-Kio _

Kio,

**Stop giving me reasons to insult you.**

**-Soubi**

Kio,

Stop telling me what I can do!

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

…

_You didn't deny it…_

_-Kio_

Kio,

SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I GET SOME _TO_ SHUT YOU UP!!

-Ritsuka

**Kio,**

**You've actually made Ritsuka mad this time.**

**Good luck.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Soubi you jerk…_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**I'm not helping you out of this one.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_And why not?_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**You've pissed me off, too.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Damn…_

_What can he honestly do to me?_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**I wouldn't underestimate him if I were you.**

**-Soubi**

Natsou and Yoji,

You guys wanna help me out with a little trick on Kio?  
-Ritsuka

Ritsuka,

You bet we do!

-N and Y

Natsou and Yoji,

Good.

We're gonna need some duck tape, a water ballon, feathers, and something sticky….

-Ritsuka

* * *

Long chapter is long. You guys said you wanted more Kio so here you go 8D

I love reviews!

~Wolfie


	7. Chapter 7: A day for fools or not?

**Ritsuka, **

**Happy April fools day!**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

All right. I give up.

What did you do?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Why do you think that I have done any thing?**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

You're too happy and you walked in today looking quite impressed with yourself.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**You'll find out soon enough.**

**Although, I assure you that I didn't do anything to you.**

**-Soubi**

_Natsou and Youji, _

_I know you two did it!_

_-Kio_

Kio,

Did what?

-N and Y

_Natsou and Youji,_

_Today when I walked out of my house, an entire gallon of water fell on my head._

_When I got to my car one of my tires was sliced._

_When I changed it, my car wouldn't start because someone fried it._

_I got three threatening messages today and fifteen unknown phone calls._

_My entire desk space at home was covered in tin foil._

_Somebody hacked my computer._

_When I turned on my stove today, I started a fire in my kitchen._

_And somebody changed every key on my computer! _

_I'm using the school computer right now. I know you two did something._

_-Kio_

Kio,

We didn't do any of that

But whoever did was a freaking genius!

-N and Y

_Natsou and Youji,_

_How do I know I can trust you?_

_-Kio_

Kio,

We've been trying to prank Soubi all day!

He knows every trick in the book!

-N and Y

Soubi,

When are you going to tell me?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Patience is a virtue, Ritsuka.**

**Be patient.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

Why can't you just tell me? Please, Soubi?

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Just wait a little longer. **

**It shouldn't take much longer anyways.**

**-Soubi **

_Ritsuka,_

_I know you did it!_

_You can't fool me!_

_-Kio_

Kio,

Um, what?

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_I'm wet, the engine of my car is unfixable, my computer is hacked, my kitchen is burnt, I got a bunch of unknown phone calls today, and literally somebody just keyed the seats in my car._

_Just own up now and I won't tell anybody._

_-Kio_

Soubi,

Oh my god.

You're a genius.

-Ritsuka

Kio,

I have no idea how to hack a computer or mess with the engine of a car.

I know who is though.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**I assume he told you?**

**And thank you.**

**-Soubi**

Soubi,

More like he accused me.

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_WHO IS IT?!_

_I need to get back at them!!  
-Kio_

Kio,

Trust me.

You won't be able to.

Ever.

-Ritsuka

**Ritsuka,**

**Are you still talking to Kio?**

**-Soubi**

_Ritsuka,_

_Tell me!!!  
-Kio_

Kio,

No way.

Here's a hint: He's only got two friends; you and me.

-Ritsuka

Soubi,

I haven't told him yet.

I gave him a hint though, so he should be coming your way soon.

-Ritsuka

_Ritsuka,_

_You're going to have to give me a better hint. _

_Wait a second._

_It was Soubi, wasn't it?_

_-Kio_

**Ritsuka,**

**I knew I could get you to play along**

**Thank you**

**-Soubi**

Kio,

Maybe.

-Ritsuka

_Soubi,_

_I_

_Can_

_NOT_

_Believe_

_You!!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**I do not know what you are talking about.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_You know as well as I do what you did!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Did you try Natsou and Youji already?**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Yes. And Ritsuka too._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Why Ritsuka?**

**He never did anything.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

You just admitted it!

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**I did no such thing.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi,_

_Come on! I know it was you! You're the only person smart enough to do what happened to me._

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**Fine. I did it.**

**-Soubi**

_Soubi, _

_Now get over here and fix everything!_

_-Kio_

**Kio,**

**No.**

**-Soubi**

_Ritsuka,_

_You want to help me get back at Soubi?_

_-Kio_

Kio,

Not really.

-Ritsuka

* * *

Hey everyone! Sorry this took so long! Ill try to write more of this.

Please review and go vote on my poll!

~Wolfie


	8. Chapter 8: Three childish adults

_**8**_

Nagisa,

Do you seriously have a medical degree?

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Yep.

You can start calling me Nagisa Sagan M.D

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Wait…

You have a MASTERS in medicine??

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Of course. I have an MD under my name on my nameplate in my office. Haven't you ever noticed it?

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Well, I guess but I never really thought much about it. I remember you saying something about it while Ritsu was injured. That was what made me think about it.

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Speaking of that night…

How's that new security scheme going? Ritsu wants it done by tomorrow.

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

I'm done.

Want to go out to eat?

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Yes!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa and Seven,

You two will not leave the building until you've finished the work I've given you.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

How did you know we were going to out?

-Seven

* * *

Ritsu,

HAVE YOU BEEN HACKING MY EMAILS AGAIN?!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

No but I do monitor them.

-Ritsu

* * *

Seven,

How do you think I know?

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

That's illegal!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

And you're point is…?

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

You should be arrested!

-Nagisa

* * *

Ritsu,

You're screening Nagisa's emails again?

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Again? I never stopped.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

I know you don't care, but isn't that illegal?

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Indeed it is.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

Answer me, goddammit!!!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

There is nothing for me to talk to you about if you're only going to whine and insult me.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

I'm calling the cops on you right now!!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

And risk everything getting discovered? I think not!

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

Why **do **you screen her emails in the first place?

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Do you want me to lie or tell you the truth?

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

The truth, please.

-Seven

* * *

Ritsu,

When they arrest you, I'll erase they're memory.

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

You don't know any memory-erasing spells.

-Ritsu

* * *

Seven,

I need to know that she's working like she should be.

That, and its fun to piss her off.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

I didn't think fun was in your vocabulary.

-Seven

* * *

Ritsu,

You name one person who does!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Ritsu actually knows what the term 'fun' means.

-Seven

* * *

Nagisa,

Soubi.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

Would you stop talking about that stupid kid?!

-Nagisa

* * *

Seven,

His perception of fun isn't normal.

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

_Stupid _kid?

Ill have you know that I trained him for twelve years.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

Face it, you're obsessed!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Get back to work already!

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

Fine! Be that way!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

God, you're so immature!

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

You started it!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Stop acting like a child and work!

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

If you're the pedophile I think you are, that means you're attracted to me!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

For the last time, I am not a pedophile!

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

Liar!

You did it with a twelve year-old because he looked like his mother!

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Fine! I'll give you that one!

-Ritsu

* * *

Nagisa and Ritsu,

Can you two stop arguing over email so that we can finish what we're working on!

-Seven

* * *

Seven,

Buzzkill…

-Nagisa

* * *

Seven,

Good idea.

-Ritsu

* * *

Ritsu,

Just a really quick question…

Why do you only screen Nagisa's emails?

-Seven

* * *

Sorry for the wait. I've been working on finishing Poisonous for a while. Now that that's done, expect more chapters of this fic!

I changed the layout. Is it any easier to read?

I can't believe I wrote an entire chapter on these three. Hell, I don't even know why. Was it funny enough?

Review please!

~Wolfie


	9. Chapter 9: Kids?

**9**

Seven,

I'm going to mess with Ritsuka a little today.

Wanna join?

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Sorry.

Too much work.

Have fun.

-Seven

* * *

Ritsuka,

Soubi has kids.

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

What?

-Ritsuka

* * *

Ritsuka,

A boy and a girl. They're both around four or five.

The mother hates Soubi.

-Nagisa

* * *

Soubi,

Do you have kids?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Who gave you that idea?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

Answer the question!

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Of course I don't have kids. **

**Who told you that?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Nagisa,

He says he doesn't.

-Ritsuka

* * *

Ritsuka,

He's a liar.

Ask him about Mika

-Nagisa

* * *

Soubi,

Who's Mika?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Good question.**

**Who is Mika?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

You tell me!  
-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**I have no idea.**

**I might've went to school with a Mika…**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Ritsuka,

You getting anything out of him?

-Nagisa

* * *

**Kio,**

**Did you tell Ritsuka I have kids?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

_Soubi,_

_You have kids?_

_-Kio_

_

* * *

_

Nagisa,

You know I don't believe you, right?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Kio,**

**I do not have kids!**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Ritsuka,

Why do you believe that liar over me?

How many times has he lied to you?

-Nagisa

* * *

Nagisa,

Shut up!

-Ritsuka

* * *

_Soubi,_

_I didn't tell him anything, I swear._

_-Kio_

_

* * *

_

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Are you two messing with Ritsuka again?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

What?

For once, we didn't do anything.

-N and Y

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Who's telling you this stuff?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Ritsuka,

Whatever you do, don't tell him it was me.

-Nagisa

* * *

Soubi,

Nagisa.

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Nagisa,**

**You seriously have a messed up sense of humor.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

Dammit!

-Nagisa

* * *

Soubi,

I sort of want to get back at her now.

How do I do it?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Just her she's old.**

**She's really over 30.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Nagisa,

You're old.

-Ritsuka

* * *

Ritsuka,

Um, Nagisa told me to email you back since she's so mad.

She told me to tell you that she's not old and then she dropped the F-bomb a couple times.

-Seven

* * *

Well, I'm _trying _to update this more.

This idea was totally based on one of the weirdest dreams I've ever had. I dremt that Soubi had two kids and the mother hated him. Then there was something about my family living in a giant tree house. Yeah, I have weird dreams.

But I was laughing at it with one of my friends (Casey, my beloved top left corner 3 ) and I thought, hey why not write a chapter of PEOLC (**p**rivate **e**mails** o**f the **L**oveless **c**rew) about that?

So I did, and now we have this.

Review, please!

~Chey Wolfe


	10. Chapter 10: dialogue of the pranksters

**10**

Natsou,

What do you want to do today?

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

I dunno.

What's left on our list?

-Natsou

* * *

Natsou,

We failed at trying to prank Soubi, we did that whipped cream trick on Kio, we already prank called Ritsuka a couple times.

Any ideas?

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

We could prank-call Kio and tell him we're some girl's lawyer and she's suing him for sexual harassment in high school.

-Natsou

* * *

Natsou,

What makes you think Kio was ever with a girl?

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

Good point.

Maybe some boy's lawyer, then?

-Natsou

* * *

Natsou,

Or we could get into his computer and blackmail him.

I bet he has a bunch of stalker-ish pictures!

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

You mean, get into his computer by using a spell?

-Natsou

* * *

Natsou,

We don't have to.

I heard Soubi tell Ritsuka that Kio's password is password.

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

Wow.

I seriously should've seen that one coming.

-Natsou

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Why are you two emailing each other when you're sitting ten feet apart?**

**And don' t think I don't know what you two are doing.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

We don't want anyone to see, so I'm using my user account on Kio's laptop and Youji's using your computer.

-Natsou

* * *

Soubi,

We're discussing secret plans.

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

I'm trying the password right now.

-Natsou

* * *

Natsou,

And…?

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

You're right! It worked!

-Natsou

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I've been reading every email you two have sent to each other, but you two idiots don't notice me reading over your shoulder. **

**Stop trying to blackmail Kio.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Natsou,

He's on to us.

-Youji

* * *

Soubi,

I'm not blackmailing him. I'm checking for updates on the computer but he put me on a restricted account so I can't do it without going into his.

-Natsou

* * *

Soubi,

What we're doing is confidential.

We can't tell you unless you are apart of our government agency.

-Youji

* * *

Natsou,

Have you seen any of his pictures yet?

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

No.

He has another password to get into 'my pictures'.

-Natsou

* * *

Natsou,

What have you tried?

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

'password', 'password123', '123456', '69', 'NatsouandYoujirule', and every variation of his name.

Help me?

-Natsou

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Do you two even realize you just told me two completely different stories?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Natsou,

I've got it!

Try 'Soubi'.

-Youji

* * *

Soubi,

I'm telling the truth, I swear!

-Natsou

* * *

Youji,

Holy crap.

It worked.

-Natsou

* * *

Soubi,

That's need to know basis.

-Youji

* * *

Natsou,

Kio has problems.

-Youji

* * *

Youji,

I agree.

-Natsou

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Stop now.**

**Why aren't you two using your shared account, anyways?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

We wanted to email each other.

-Natsou

* * *

Soubi,

I cannot tell you that information.

What are you gonna do, tell Kio? You're to busy playing video games to stop us yourself.

Oh and one of Kio's passwords was your name.

-Youji

* * *

Natsou,

Look for photos.

-Youji

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**You two really underestimate me.**

**I cleared his hard drives before I let it into your hands. I've got everything backed up on the flash drive I gave Ritsuka when he left a while ago.**

**I cleared his history, too.**

**Don't even think about asking Ritsuka for the files.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Youji,

He's right!

There's not a single thing on here!

I can't believe I didn't notice before!

-Natsou

* * *

Natsou,

That bastard!

-Youji

* * *

Soubi,

You bastard!

-Youji

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Do either of you realize I can kick you out of here anytime I feel like it?**

**You don't even pay rent.**

**-Soubi**

* * *

Soubi,

We can't pay rent!

We don't have jobs!

-Natsou

* * *

Soubi,

Damn you!

-Youji

* * *

Natsou,

Soubi has foiled our plan yet again.

Move on to plan B.

-Youji

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Plan B?**

**-Soubi  
**

**

* * *

**

Hi readers!

Everyone liked this format so I kept it!

read my story Mind Maps if you have time!

Review, please!

~Wolfie


	11. Chapter 11: balcony

**11**

Soubi,

Can I ask you a question?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Of course.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

How _the hell_ do you get up on the balcony?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**You shouldn't use dirty language.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

You've never said anything about it before!

You're just trying to dodge the question!

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**What question?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

You know exactly what I'm talking about!

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**I can't answer that.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

Stop playing around!  
-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**I'm flexible.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

How flexible _are_ you?

That balcony is _at least_ three meters off the ground!

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**I'm as flexible as you want me to be~**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

That was some kind of innuendo, wasn't it?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Maybe.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

You pervert.

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**I'm not a pervert.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

I'm underaged and you go ahead and kiss me, hug me, and flirt with me.

And you're saying you're not a pedophile or a pervert?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**That is exactly what I'm saying. **

**You haven't complained of it lately.**

**And you don't have a girlfriend.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

You don't have one either!

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka-**

**That's because I like you.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

You know some kid at school asked me if I was gay because they saw you hugging me.

Then someone else asked if we were dating.

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Oh?**

**And what did you tell them?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

I just walked away.

Are we… you know…

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**It's okay to say it.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

Are we dating or is everything because we're Fighter and Sacrifice?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Whatever you want.**

**I'm not trying to push you into anything.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

I don't know…

I guess I kind of want us to be… you know… together.

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Silly Ritsuka.**

**I get back from my trip on Saturday.**

**Would you like to go somewhere then?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

Sure.

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**Are you blushing right now?**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

Shut up!

-Ritsuka

* * *

**Ritsuka,**

**You realize that I never answered your question, right?**

**I have to get back to work now.**

**I'll see you on Saturday.**

**I love you.**

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**

Soubi,

Why the hell are you so goddammed good at that?

-Ritsuka

* * *

**hey!  
**

**Sorry it's been so long. I've been down with some health problems lately.**

**Sorry for the more serious/fluffy chapter. If you haven't figured it out already, this is a story that couples Soubi and Ritsuka. I tried to make it funny, too.**

**Review if you want more!**

**~Wolfie  
**


	12. Chapter 12: Bases

**First of all, I wrote a story about Soubi and Ritsuka's date. Should I put it up?**

**

* * *

**

**12**

Soubi,

Ritsuka was over last night, wasn't he?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Yes. **

**-Soubi**

**

* * *

**Soubi,

Oh~?

No comments about it?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I'm not telling you two anything.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

Why not?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**It's something I'd prefer to keep to myself.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

How far did you get with him?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**What makes you thing I got anywhere with him?**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

When we talked to Ritsuka when he got up today he seemed happy.

And he was wearing one of your shirts.

He said you two went on a date.

You brought him home.

Don't deny you two did anything.

The walls are very thin.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Yes. **

**Are you happy now?**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

Really~?

What was it like?

How far did you get?

Why do you look so relaxed today?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I'll never tell.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

You're no fun at all!

Just tell us how far you got.

First base?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Farther.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

Farther?

You seem awfully proud of it.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I am. **

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

Second base?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Farther.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

Now way.

You two had sex?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**No.**

**You skipped a stage.**

**I assure you he still has his ears.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

There's no way he let you get to third.

Picture or it didn't happen.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Sorry, I didn't think to video tape my sexual encounter with Ritsuka.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

Then it didn't happen.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**It did too. **

**You said it yourselves that the walls are very thin.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

Yes…

And we heard _everything_…

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**So you can't deny what I did with him, right?**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

What was it like?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I don't kiss and tell.**

**Why are you two so interested in my sex life?**

**-Soub

* * *

**

Soubi,

We didn't think you had one.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I know what you two are thinking. **

**Don't you dare try it.**

**If Kio finds out he'll be storming around the apartment for days.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

What are you going to do about it if we do tell Kio?

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I'll lock you in the closet in your room for three days.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

You wouldn't do that.

The closet's too small for both off us to fit.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I'll make you fit.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

You're bluffing.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**I don't bluff.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

You would never do that to us.

-N and Y

* * *

**Natsou and Youji,**

**Try me.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Kio,

Soubi had sex with Ritsuka last night.

-N and Y

* * *

_Soubi,_

_YOU IDIOT I'M GOING TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID IT WITH A 13 YEAR OLD IF YOU NEEDED TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEBODY YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN A PROSTITUTE OR BETTER YET ME WHAT THE HELL WOULD POSSESS YOU TO DO SUCH A THING YOU ARE A PERVERTED PEDOPHILE AND SHOULD BE ARRESTED I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU_

_-Kio

* * *

_

**Kio,**

**Please learn some punctuation. **

**-Soubi

* * *

**

_Soubi,_

_WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? ANSWER MY QUESTIONS, DAMMIT. YOU NEED TO LEAVE THAT KID THE HELL ALONE. I CAN'T IMAGINE HOW CREEPED OUT HE IS RIGHT NOW. WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST COME TO ME? YOU COULD'VE AT LEAST HIRED A HOOKER INSTEAD OF TAKING IT OUT ON RITSUKA! YOU'RE A REAL CREEPER, YOU KNOW THAT? YOU NEED TO BE THROWN IN JAIL SO THAT YOU CAN NO LONGER MOLEST LITTLE BOYS ON THE STREETS. _

_-Kio

* * *

_

**Kio,**

**I think your caps lock key is broken.**

**-Soubi

* * *

**

_Soubi,_

_MY GOD, STOP IGNORING MY ACTUAL QUESTIONS AND RESPOND TO ME, DAMMIT. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE TREATED VERY WELL IN PRISON WHEN THEY FIND OUT THAT YOU MOLEST LITTLE KIDS. I BET THIS ISN'T EVEN YOUR FIRST OFFENSE. HOPEFULLY RITSUKA WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN._

_-Kio

* * *

_

**Kio,**

**He consented. **

**-Soubi

* * *

**

Soubi,

We told Kio that you had sex with Ritsuka~!

-N and Y

* * *

_Soubi,_

…_what?_

_-Kio

* * *

_

_Ritsuka,_

_Did you consent to Soubi last night?_

_-Kio

* * *

_

Kio,

I knew you'd find out somehow.

And yes, I did.

You seriously think that he'd do something with me if I didn't consent?

-Ritsuka

* * *

_Ritsuka,_

…

_-Kio

* * *

_

**Natsou and Youji,**

**You two are **_**dead**_**.**

**-Soubi

* * *

****WHAT IS THIS, ANOTHER UPDATE?**

**WHY YES, IT IS.**

**So, I wrote a story about Soubi and Ritsuka's date. From this chapter you can tell that it would be...mature, or at least the last part is. **

**I hope this is still T rated...XD if you don't know what first, second, and third base are, you may want to look it up on urbandictionary**

**Please review!**

**~Wolfe  
**


End file.
